My Dark Vanessa

**Trigger Warning: Abuse, Rape, and Sexual Assault - Please prioritize your mental health before reading this**

By: Kate Elizabeth Russell

5/5 🦋

My Dark Vanessa follows fifteen-year-old Vanessa as she navigates boarding school in the year 2000. She did fine her first year, but after a falling out with her best friend, she feels alone and isolated. Her English teacher, forty-two-year-old Mr. Strane, takes note. Vanessa's advisor, who is worried about her isolation, encourages her to join Mr. Strane's writing club. She claims Mr. Strane is beloved by many students and may help Vanessa come out of her shell. What ensues shows how a manipulative yet charming teacher can change the live of a naive student.

Fast forward to 2017, Vanessa is 32 and still trying to navigate life. The #metoo movement is just gaining traction, and accusations and claims are all she sees online. Vanessa herself is having trouble coming to terms to her own adolescence. My Dark Vanessa continues to toggle between the past and present, juxtaposing memories and trauma.

This book is haunting and well-written. I'm having trouble saying I "liked" it because it was disturbing. It made me sick to my stomach, and as an educator, I felt disgusted and angry. However, I couldn't leave Vanessa behind. I had to know how she was doing. I had to see her succeed and heal. I couldn't just ignore her story because it upset me. I'm not sure if that's what Russell had intended, but I think that affect is magnificent in its own right.

As a fan of changing timelines, I loved the switch between past and present. I think it was a truly genius way to showcase the trauma and stunted growth resulting from that. One thing I really despised, however, was the explicitness of the events going on. That's mostly what made me sick, but I'm not sure the story would have been as powerful without it. I understand why Russell wrote it that way, but it was definitely difficult to read and I needed to pause several times throughout.

However, the thing I truly appreciate the most about this book is Russell's depiction of why Vanessa won't come forward. This is something I've struggled to understand when hearing stories, and seeing Vanessa's inner thoughts made it much more clear. The fact that she's even still confused while in therapy really highlights the effects trauma can have on impressionable minds.

Again, I feel weird saying I loved this book because it made me sick to my stomach, but it was also wonderful. Russell really was considerate when writing this book and I think she did justice by most survivors. I know this book will stick with me for years to come.

Also, can we talk about why Lolita is romanticized?? That book is... concerning, and I think it's inconsiderate to have high schoolers read it. As beautiful as this book is, I would never have students read it mandatorily. I think people need to heal on their own terms and at their own pace and we need to take that into consideration when assigning mandatory readings.

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